ROKO AND AWAKENING

I texted Roko asking for a consultation session. I had no idea the magic he would bring to my life. He replied to me the following day saying he meditated on how he could help me the best and through his meditation he had the insight that I needed trauma healing session to begin with. Despite being in therapy for years, my past traumas definitely still had a big impact on my emotional wellbeing at the moment. So starting with trauma healing sounded right on point.

He gave me an appointment right away and sent his address. When I arrived the address he sent, I only saw a small crude house on a quiet side street. There was no signboard, nothing to show that it is a legit place. It is obviously not an office, not a clinic. When you arrive at the house, you actually have no idea what this place is. Well then you think about the man’s name for a second, it is Roko. You google him, no one shows up. No legit name or surname to look him up that I know off. He was, along with this house I was at, a complete mystery. However I trusted my friend who suggested Roko to me with all my heart so I never had any doubt about him when I arrived. I had full trust that something good would come out from our session. So I walked into his house with complete surrender.

The day of our appointment I was still very stick. Even though I only had soup for lunch that day, it was still too heavy for my fragile digestion. So when I walked into my appointment, I was bloated, nauseous and in pain. On top of all the physical discomfort, I had a lot of anxiety about what to do with my life. I had only one month to pack and leave my house, figure out where to start my journey or what to do with myself really -including what to do with my physical health during my future travels. As exciting as the next chapter of my life was, I felt very worn out and exhausted to start.

When I saw Roko, very first thing stood out for me was his eyes. He had this beautiful blue sparkling eyes. And it was not only about the beauty of his eyes, it was more about the way he looks at you. When he looked at me, I felt this deep faith and safety. It is almost through his glance he implanted faith in me and I felt emotionally held and safe. He asked me ‘alright, tell me what’s going on.’ I started thinking about where to start, which trauma to talk about. But then I didn’t want to talk about any of it. Everything that happened in the past suddenly looked so small and insignificant. Plus I’ve been talking about my past traumas in therapy for years and if talking about these actually helped me, I would have been already healed at this point. So I did not want to go into what happened and who did what. Therefore I only said this:

Didem: ‘I can talk a lot about my past traumas, what happened and who did what when I was a kid. But I don’t want to talk about these. Regardless of what happened, there is this deep unhappiness and suffering within me that I cannot get rid of or run away from. I’ve tried many things throughout years, I’ve been in therapy for almost 15 years, I’ve used medication. No matter what I do, I always end up with this excruciating depression and dissatisfaction. I’m trying to find why I keep feeling this way and I finally came to this conclusion: I cannot make sense of the modern way of life and modern man in today’s world. The way we live our lives today just does not make sense to me and I cannot adapt to it. I feel like I don’t belong to this time period or this society or the world we live in today. So I think about death a lot. I just want to disappear from here. Most people believe we live in a far more advanced society than the ancient times and therefore we believe we know a lot more. I don’t agree with this. I believe, as the modern people, we don’t know anything. We don’t know ourselves and who we are, we don’t know how to truly take care of ourselves and listen to our bodies and souls, we don’t know how to connect with nature or mother earth which is our home, we don’t even know how to feed ourselves or what is in our food that we’re putting in our bodies or where our food is coming from. I believe ancient civilizations had far more advanced knowledge than us when it comes to living a meaningful life but we’ve lost this. We’ve lost so many deep, meaningful connections and I feel like I am mourning. I cannot get out of my grief for what life could have been but is not. I believe there is more to life than just work and achievements. I believe there is another reality, another way of being and living. I believe there is another dimension that is full of possibilities but I cannot reach it. And so I feel stuck.’

Roko smiled and said ‘Well welcome! Most of the people are asleep but it seems like you are slowly starting to wake up and see beyond what is visible to the eye. First of all you cannot reach happiness through asking questions about your unhappiness. The answer of the question ‘why am I unhappy’ is not going to get you happiness. If you want to find joy and happiness then you need to ask the question of ‘what is really making me happy and giving me joy.’ The answers might be unexpectedly small things such as drinking coffee in the morning or going for a walk at the beach. Focus on these small daily routines that give you joy and start doing them.’

I had an aha moment here even though what he said was obvious. As someone who’s a psychologist and has been interested in spirituality and self-help books, I’ve probably heard versions of what he said many times but I’ve never been too much into positive psychology and I guess I didn’t really see the value in this kind of ‘focus on the positive’ messages. I’ve always been the critic and cynic when it comes to positive psychology. But what he was saying sounded or felt different. There was something special being in Roko’s presence. When I was with him, I was fully present. There was nothing on my mind, my mind was silent. There was only his words and his words were penetrating into all of my being through my heart. Later on I understood this was the difference between listening/understanding with your mind versus your heart. I realized I needed to quiet my mind in order to hear with my heart. And whatever I was hearing with my heart was penetrating my being and transforming me unlike the mind where I thought I understood something but it never translated into my being or behaviors because it never created a powerful insight. I realized insight only comes from the heart and the biggest block for getting an insight is the mind with all the chatter it creates. You need focus on silencing your mind, rather than focusing on silencing the outer world, in order to truly hear and see. Just being in Roko’s presence had this impact on me and I truly understood what he was saying.

So I had an aha moment. What he was saying was true. All these years I was so fixated on trying to find the causes of my unhappiness, all there was on my mind was unhappiness. Therefore I was imprisoning myself into my own suffering. There was no doubt in my mind that focusing more on what makes me happy and doing them daily would make me a happier person.

Roko continued: ‘Second of all you are fully creating the life you have. Think about your life as a movie. You are the writer, director and producer of your life. You have a higher consciousness and she is watching your life from another dimension. Maybe you want to write the story of an unhappy and sick woman who is seeking joy. There is nothing wrong about this. If you can connect with your higher self, then you can understand why are you creating such a story. Thus your dissatisfaction or disappointment of your life can turn into something more compassionate and understanding. Or if you decide you want to create a different story, then you can do that. It is completely up to you. You are the sole creator of your life.’

I had another aha moment. Again he was not saying anything that I didn’t hear before but I used to think all these ‘you’re the director of your life’ messages were not really true and I even thought of them being shallow or ignorant of the impact of outer environmental factors. But this time when Roko said it, I heard it with my heart and I just knew. It even felt more like remembering. I remembered what I know. I knew right in that moment that it was me who was creating all my life including my disease and depression. I was the sole responsible for everything happening in my life. The funny part is I really do love movies about women who go through emotional issues and seek joy and love (see: eat pray love; wild). So at that moment even though I didn’t really understand why I was writing my life story the way I was, I knew I had the power to write the rest of it the way I want to. But I wanted to keep writing my story with a higher consciousness and in order to do that I had to learn how to connect with my higher self and higher power.

Right at this moment Roko asked: ‘So what do you want from me?’ I answered: ‘Honestly if you asked me when I first walked in, I would have said I want to be happy. But after our conversation, my answer changed. I want to know who I really am and why am I here. I don’t want to keep living my life aimlessly. I want to be able to connect with my higher power, live my life consciously and I want to explore the meaning and the purpose of my life.’ Roko smiled and said: ‘well again: welcome! Okay I will tell you about a four day long seminar then but first let’s do the trauma healing session today.’

He continued: ‘In this session we are going to clean the past traumas negative impact on your energy aura so that your past traumas don’t affect your wellbeing, thoughts and mood as strongly anymore.’ He told me lay down on a massage table and I did. Then he did certain things that I didn’t really understand. He put some papers on my chakras, light some matches and then he said ‘okay I’ve opened up a healing dimension in this room and I need to leave because you need to stay alone. Just lay down, keep your eyes closed and imagine you’re laying on water. I will come back to the room at the exact right time.’ I said okay and started imaging myself laying on water.

I don’t know how long but after some time I started feeling this contraction in my stomach as if someone was pulling a string from it. Then the contraction was gone and all of a sudden all my symptoms in my stomach, the pain, nausea, bloating and all the discomfort were completely gone. I couldn’t believe it. I was expecting an emotional relief since this was a trauma healing session but my stomach was better. At this time physical and emotional distress was still mostly separated in my mind. Later I started understanding that most, if not all, physical illnesses are unhealed emotional traumas that are stored in the body.

Right at this moment Roko walked back into the room. He told me to stand up and he kind of drew certain shapes in the air with his hands close to my body. He said ‘okay you can lay down again now, close your eyes. You may see certain scenes from your past traumas. Just watch these scenes as if you’re watching a movie and let them pass.’ I laid down, closed my eyes and started seeing some scenes from my past traumas. After some time he told me to stand up and again drew certain shapes in the air with his hands. Then he said ‘now we’re going to let go these past traumas. Say loudly ‘I am letting go.’ I said loudly: ‘I am letting go!’ And the moment I said it, I started crying. Tears were pouring down my cheeks. Roko said ‘it is okay, just lay down, close your eyes and imagine you’re laying on water.’ I did what he said. After some time I started feeling this intense joy. Words cannot do justice to what I was feeling but I was full of joy, bliss and euphoria. I was high. I was full of love. Right at this moment Roko asked: ‘are you feeling the joy?’ And all I could say was ‘yes, very intensely.’ I was speechless. He said ‘okay you can get up now, we are done!’

I got up and sat right in front of him. I was feeling immersed in joy. I was truly high to the point that I was not able to speak. I was sitting in front of him, and I wanted to say something but I couldn’t. My mind was not working. I was in another state of being. I was looking at him, almost in a hypnotic state and just smiling. He understood what was going on and said ‘Your mind probably is not working right now, it is okay you don’t need to say anything. Just enjoy it. I hope our work today brings health and healing to you.’ I stuttered and was hardly able to say ‘thank you!’ Then I left.

When I stepped outside I felt like a reborn woman. As if I was blind before and I started seeing everything for the first time, everything looked miraculously beautiful. I looked at the sky and the clouds, I felt the rain on my face, smelled the soil, looked at the colors of trees and flowers on the side of the street and I just could not believe the beauty of life. I was in complete awe. Everything was shining. How come I didn’t see any of these beauties before! They were here all along. I went to home, maybe the first time in my life being in full gratitude that I was alive on this earth and I get to experience all the beauties of it. I went to bed and I woke up as a completely different woman the next day.

I woke up with a bliss in my heart. I looked outside the window and saw the trees on the street. They were so beautiful. I went downstairs to walk my dog, Amos. She was so beautiful too. I put her leash on and watched her in admiration getting all excited and happy because she knew we were going out for a walk. We were walking the same street right behind my house every morning and evening. Yet my beautiful girl was always excited to walk this same street. I’ve never seen a day in our life where she was not enthusiastic about our walks even though it was always the same walk. I admired her ability of gratitude and joy. She was a street dog rescued from a wildfire therefore had many traumas in her past. She was very scared of people and looked very sad when I first adopted her. But despite her traumas and sadness, she was able to get excited everyday for our brief walks. She was just so excited to walk the same path and see the same things on a new day and under a new light. And that was enough for her to get excited and be happy. I felt like Amos that morning. I felt like a small kid who is very excited to go out and play, walk the same path on a new day and see the colors under a new light. I felt beautiful, inside out. Not only I was seeing the beauties of life all around me but I also started seeing my own beauty. I was so beautiful. I looked at Amos and she looked back at me. Tears of joy started falling down on my face.

All these time, I was blinded by my own misery. Roko opened my eyes. I cannot express my gratitude and love for him. Words cannot do justice. Since my session with Roko, I wake up to most of my days with the excitement of a kid who is ready to play and explore. I go through most of my days full of joy and gratitude. The shining sun, different trees in all their glory, beautiful colors of different flowers, the sky and the clouds, smell and the sound of the rain, feeling the touch of the wind on my face and hair… Simple everyday beings are now enough for me to just feel happy and grateful that I am alive and having this experience on earth.

Roko brought a light full of love to my life that has never left me ever since. Or rather he showed me the light and the love within me. He took off the veil that was in front of my eyes for so long. Before him I was looking at life but I was not seeing, I was listening but I was not hearing, maybe I was learning but I was not understanding. I understood that looking, listening and learning are all the things you do with your mind. But truly seeing, hearing and knowing comes from your heart.

After my session with Roko, my stomach and digestion has also completely and miraculously healed. Before Roko I went to so many hospitals and doctors whom were very credible professors and known as the best in the country. None of them could help me. I had one doctor who was better and more helpful than the rest and I went back to him right around the time I’ve seen Roko. He repeated my blood tests to see how I was doing after the internal bleeding. When I went back to get my results back, he was bewildered. He told me: ‘I cannot believe this. Your results are perfect. You are completely healed and well. In all the thirty years of my professional life as a doctor, I’ve never seen this in my life. And the clinic in Germany where the tests are analyzed, called me about you. They repeated the tests a few times because they couldn’t believe the results and asked me how come your results could come out this great, especially after an internal bleeding. This is mind blowing. You must be proud of yourself. I have nothing to tell you, you’re already doing great. You’re not sick anymore. You don’t have to come back to me.’

Roko is the dawn of my life. He is my rebirth, my genesis. I had no idea that I had this much power, health, love and light within me. I thought I was sick and I had to find health and healing in the outer world. I thought there was something missing in me, whether it is health or happiness or knowledge, that I had to complete by acquiring something from outside. Roko made me see that I was already complete. I was already healthy and happy and powerful and joyous and full of love and light within. There was nothing to add. There were only things to remove, things that didn’t belong to me. Healing was not about adding, it was about removing. It was about removing all the fears, outdated beliefs of past traumas, societal expectations that were telling me that I was not good enough the way I was, and all the negative beliefs that are not rooted in love. Once these were cleared, all the health and happiness and joy and knowing were already here, eager to shine through.

Roko casted off the darkest clouds that were over my inner light far too long. He gave me my power and my self back. He never told me that I was sick or not enough. He always told me: ‘I’m not teaching or doing anything new to you. You already know. I am only reminding you what you already know, what you already have within you.’ I know, no matter what I do, I cannot pay his dues. How do you make it up to someone who gave you yourself and your life back? It is priceless. There are no words for my love and gratitude for him.

Along with my admiration and love for Roko, I wanted to share my newly found happiness, joy and healing with my loved ones. There were so many people whom I loved so dearly in my life who were feeling stuck and struggling just like me. I wanted to give back what was so freely given to me but I didn’t know how and I wanted to learn. Dalai Lama has a quote that I see as a world view: ‘The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of all kinds.’ I don’t want to spend my life trying to be another successful person with a resume full of meaningless achievements, living to make my bank account bigger. I want to be a healer, a restorer and a lover. As in Gandhi’s famous quote: I want to be the change I want to see in the world. I want my life to embody everything I want to see in the world.

Therefore with the inspiration I got from my dear Roko, I decided to pursue a journey of healing. Right at this point Roko mentioned a 4-day long seminar which would make way to improving my healing skills, exploring myself and my life purpose. He himself was giving the seminar with his other healer friend Irma. That’s how I found myself at Path into Light. :)